sI can't stand mayonnaise, and when people talk about how they love mayonnaise. I cannot wrap my brain around it. But at the end of the day- it's mayonnaise.
Have you ever found yourself annoyed with someone because they don't have the same preference as you? I once heard a sweet and humorous story of a married couple. The wife would always save the end piece of the loaf of bread to make her husband a sandwich. Begrudgingly, he ate the sandwich. One day he spoke up and asked why she was giving him the end piece. She lovingly explained when she was growing up, she was taught, that was the best part. He then lovingly explained when he was growing up, that was the worst part. She thought she was giving him the best, and he thought she was giving him the worst. They had a different value system. Our value system greatly impacts the way we deal with people. We might respond verbally letting everyone know what's on our mind, or we might harbor ill feelings towards a person. Hopefully, we recognize it's all mayonnaise at the end of the day, but our flesh sure can twist things. When my husband and I got married, we quickly learned something. He grew up in a home where when you misheard or didn't hear someone, you reply with ma'am or sir. I grew up in a home where you replied huh. I soon began to love his response a lot more than mine. It sounded sweeter, but it took a minute to break that part of my raising. In my lifetime I have learned that people are different. Now, that's nothing groundbreaking, but I'm always amazed when people are surprised that people are different than them. Sometimes I surprise myself. We know what we know, believe what we believe, act like we act because of what we have been taught, how we have been influenced, what we believe to be true, and because of our view of God. In other words, our home raisin' ain't the same. (That was painful to type. Clearly, at some point in my life, ain't was established as wrong.) When we assume that everyone else should value our preferences, we've created unfair, and ultimately, disappointing expectations. Side (but important) note: I am not referring to Biblical truths here. Biblical truths are Biblical truths, and God's standards and commandments are without question. Why? Because He created the earth and all that is in it. Whatever standard or commandment He gave is always for our best interest, as being our Creator, He knows what is best for us and desires that. What I am referring to, ultimately, is human preferences and personalities. I am an introvert. It doesn't mean I don't love people. I do. I enjoy being around people, but my idea of quality time and yours might be different. I have friends who are extroverts to the max. They love to be doing, going, seeing, and socializing. All the while, I'm quite content being a homebody, sending snail mail, having a friend over for dinner, or snuggling with my husband and cat, while falling asleep watching a movie. Does this make me right and them wrong? Them right and me wrong? No. If everyone was an extrovert, we'd never get anything accomplished. They'd be too busy doing, going, and seeing. If everyone was an introvert, well, who would keep the economy running? And while we might have differing opinions of quality time, we can still be friends. When building relationships, get to know these things about people. Take the time to observe, and if you're unsure, ask questions. This will help you both to not have disappointing expectations because of an assumption that everyone shares your preferences. It's not an issue of right or wrong- it's different. I value manners. I would venture to say most people do. However we likely all define manners differently. It seems that sometimes people who value manners lose their own manners when someone else doesn't display them according to their definition. Of course, a good southerner might not lose their manners outwardly, but boy that heart will boil. Quite a contradiction when you consider it. Today, I met my husband for lunch, and I overheard a grandmother correcting her grandchild who had begun cutting all of the meat on her plate. Her grandmother explained that was considered poor manners. I, on the other hand, eavesdropping on this conversation, immediately wanted to speak up for the little girl. "Ma'am, someone cut my steak for me until I was about 25, and when they cut it, they cut all of it because no one wanted to sit with me and cut it while we ate (insert laughing emoji)." Her grandmother valued that definition of manners. I, clearly, do not. I could have allowed it to bother me, or I could mind my own flaws. It's not an issue of right or wrong, it's a value of preference. I value being politely asked to do something. If given a task, I value explicit instructions and expectations, as I hate to disappoint. Some people value giving and/or receiving vague instructions. Some value being demanding and receiving demands. We all probably prefer one of those extremes or the other, or perhaps we enjoy a happy medium, but I'm learning that maybe just maybe none are "wrong". Vagueness allows creativity. An artistic personality, gifted with a vague instruction, might have been just been given the spark they needed to carry out a beautiful idea with their own great talents and imagination because of a lack of guidelines. Explicit instructions prevent disappointment. A ruler follower given specific tasks will gladly meet those needs feeling confident that he/she understands the expectation. Asking allows an answer of yes or no. Demanding might lead to a task being accomplished because there wasn't another option. My preference is a wildly tidy house. And when I say I value a tidy house, I value my house being tidy. Your house being tidy or not has zero impact on me. It's totes a personal preference. Perhaps messes don't bother you and you fill that cleaning time with something else you value. Right or wrong? No. Different. And that's ok. You do you, boo. Something I learned a lot about when planning our wedding was, well, planning a wedding. There were so many etiquette things, of which I was unaware, and by my preference, just didn't value. In my mind, at the end of the day, I was going to be married, and wasn't that what a wedding was about? And while there might be truth to that, it doesn't make the preferences of those that value them less than my preference- again, just different. I'm of the burlap wedding era. I remember a friend's mom who was so baffled as to why she wanted to use burlap in her wedding and was quite certain it wasn't ok. Her mom valued tradition (break out the tulle), and my friend valued Pinterest (someone get that girl a burlap sash). I grew up eating off paper plates. It's what we did. I never knew people actually set tables. I legit thought that was a thing that only happened on TV or at Grandma's for Christmas. As an adult, I value the beauty of a set table, but it's not about etiquette at all. It's not an expectation I have. I just like pretty things. At some point in life, I began to value drinking out of a real glass. Water tastes better somehow. I have friends who value plastic cups, and so I keep plastic cups at my house for them. Right or wrong? No. Different. Maybe there are some things in your family unit that you greatly value and are appalled when other people don't. At the end of the day, is it just mayonnaise? I'm going to challenge you with a question in which I've been challenging myself- "Is that a preference?" It's really unfair to press our preferences and strengths on to another human being. And ultimately, the result of that is often two disappointed and upset human beings. It's unfair to assume people should care about the things which matter to you. The reality is people only know what they know. My normal is not your normal. Your normal is not mine. Honestly, who gets to define normal? If you go to the grocery store today, and you interact with a cashier, if you make a new friend and go eat lunch, or if you have a coworker that you see every day, understand that they might do some that ruffles your feathers. Understand that your preferences and personality might be different than theirs, but it doesn't make you right, them wrong, or any other thing. It just makes you different. Satan would love nothing more than to build barriers because of such petty things. Can I be totally transparent? I struggle with this. I have a really hard time with people who aren't considerate with my definition of good manners. I often say I want a shirt that says, "It's not about you" and "Just be Nice". You value what you value because of what you know, what you've been taught, and what you believe. We can model, teach, and respond in a way that teaches things we value, but what I cannot see is value in forcing that expectation/preference on someone else. Why? Because we are flawed. We are the human race that somehow deems we must spray all the things raw chicken touched with Clorox, but we eat raw cookie dough, knowing the risk of salmonella, like it's going out of style. I'm sure there are other examples of our justifications, but this one seems widely relatable. I don't at all think this means we shouldn't share valued preferences with others. I think it's all about our heart and expectation when we do it. There's so much I have learned from other people that I have put into practice because I felt like it was a way to be hospitable and ultimately love others, so there's certainly value in it. Our preferences often skew our judgment and remove love and logic, and our preference isn't greater than someone else's. When you're dealing with a person today, I encourage you (and myself) to remember that person is a human being with blood in his/her veins and a heart pumping in his/her chest, but most importantly, that person has a soul. And that soul is either hell or heaven bound. I would never, ever want my preferences to trump the fact the Jesus loves that human being so much, He gave His life for him/her, and I was gifted the task of telling them about that great love. And outside of the eternal aspect, good gravy, have some humility. And in that humility, we can prevent ourselves from harmful expectations and disappointment as well as the other person. The Jewish culture was incredibly exclusive and set apart. Jesus came, and now understanding a little more about Jewish culture, I see why He wasn't received by some. Jesus came in, and boy did He ruffle some feathers. He wrecked their way of doing things. Many Jews were so deeply lost in their traditions (outside of God's Word) and way of doing things, they missed the Messiah. They missed the best part. Jesus changes people. My preferences never will. (Again, I'm not talking Biblical truths.) Because at the end of the day, it's just mayonnaise.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Author
Saved by God's amazing grace and living this divinely put together puzzle of a beautiful life He so graciously blessed. Archives
March 2020
Categories
|