As another school year starts to wrap up, the mixed emotions are setting in. Hooray for summer, and sad tears are coming as I send off another group of students.
I hope you remember sitting on your desk and throwing socks, you thought were dirty, (dry erase erasers #cheap) as you introduced yourselves to one another. I hope you remember talking in British accents. I hope you remember all of the "grand" lessons with food and cutesy things that went terribly awry, and I especially hope you remember whatever it was I was trying to teach you (bless the precious class that I tried using Hershey bars to teach fractions- insert Lucy face). I hope you remember to be gentle in your responses, peaceful in your actions, to have a humble attitude, and a joyful heart. I hope you remember to love everyone through your kindness. I hope you remember patience is more than waiting. It is waiting with a good attitude. I hope you remember to introduce yourself with eye contact and use your manners everywhere you go. I hope you remember the time you inspired your third grade teacher by holding the door for your friend, the time a classmate passed her fact drill after countless tries, and you celebrated her even though you didn't pass yours, and the time a friend yelled at you, and you responded so patiently. I hope you remember to wash your hands after going potty. I hope you remember the time you encouraged your third grade teacher by writing her a surprise note in the "Dear Mrs. Mooty" journal, and she found it the next year. I hope you remember how proud you made your third grade teacher when you included everyone in our class despite the fact they're different than you. I hope you remember to capitalize the beginning of sentences and punctuate when necessary. I hope you remember Mr. Jordan's lunch visits. I hope you remember how special you made every special moment of life. My wedding was so much more fun because of you. My mother's passing was a little less difficult because of you. Getting a cat was super exciting because of you. Teaching is the best because of you. I hope you remember to ask someone to please stop (in a kind voice) if they're annoying you, and then go to the teacher. I hope you remember that time I made you sit out from recess for making a poor choice. Whatever this poor choice was, I hope you gained wisdom, responsibility, or a memory of hanging with me on the recess bench. I hope you remember that time I was having a hard day, and you told me the corniest joke, and I belly laughed. I hope you remember that you make coming to "work" so much fun. I hope you remember that everyone experiences embarrassing moments, and it is only ok to laugh with them (never at them) if they're laughing first. I hope you remember to Batman sneeze, because it is never good to spread germs. I hope you remember need seen, assignment given. I hope you remember that on the days you don't feel loved, I love you, the days you feel defeated, I believe in you, and the days you want to give up, that I know you can accomplish anything! I hope you remember to pick up trash (if it looks safe) even if it isn't yours. I hope you remember the day you cried so hard because you left your homework for the very first and only time, and I was able to teach you about grace. I hope you remember to always do great things. Mediocrity is only ok on Friday evening when you order a pizza and just hang with your fam jam. I hope you remember that you are who you are when no one is watching. I hope you always remember that somehow, someway, you made your third grade teacher's heart grow bigger because it had to have a spot for you. You'll forever be there. I hope you change lives, and make everyone's world a little better. You can always count on the fact that you did that for me.
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I'm sitting on my porch getting things together for an event we have coming up. I'm looking at my bushes that need to my trimmed, my feet that desperately need a pedicure, and my super cute cat basking in the sun without a worry in the world. I seriously have no idea where this post is going, but something tells me it will be long. Go ahead and grab a cup of hot chocolate (with marshmallows preferably). Marriage brought/brings so much joy into my life! One of the things I learned to love the most was getting dinner ready for Yellow Car Boy when we get home from work. It for real makes my heart happy. Not long into our blissful first few months of marriage, life took over, and I found myself falling short on this desire of mine. I found that we were eating out a lot more than I wanted us to, so I turned to the handy dandy slow cooker. This was great for a while, but eventually I realized everything I cooked was pretty much the same, and I got bored and again felt that feeling of failure. Of course, Yellow Car boy never complained, and I think he even enjoyed eating out and those incredibly similar slow cooker meals because it was one less thing on my plate. I quickly realized my shortcoming (self defined) was because of a failure to plan. I soon became obsessed (ok maybe not obsessed, but I sure did/do enjoy it) with meal planning. I got so much satisfaction out of using our lovely dry erase calendar (wedding gift-hey hey) to plan our monthly meals. This allowed me to make an actual grocery list of actual things we were actually going to eat, and I couldn't deviate because well it was written, and you can't deviate from a written plan. (Can you tell I teach? Look to the lesson plan folks, look to the lesson plan. Clearly I'm kidding. Lesson plans are constantly interrupted, and the world moves on, but this meal planning- no deviating. Unless of course you want Chick FilA or Chipotle, then it's absolutely ok to deviate. Ok, moving on.) I felt amazing. I'm a planner. Planning and organizing are my jam. Or maybe they're therapy- either way, I just adore planning and organizing. This new found idea of meal planning on a calendar was just the best thing ever! I soon began putting events on our calendar, so I would know when I absolutely wouldn't be able to cook and eating out was then ok with me. Then I started a daily cleaning schedule. And guess what? I actually followed it! (I have serious history of making lists and not looking at them.) The weekend came, and all of my cleaning tasks were completed! It was spectacular! Every day, I came home, I completed the daily cleaning chore, I cooked, we cleaned up the kitchen, and we went to bed. Then life kicked back in. The first thing I stopped religiously following was the assigned daily cleaning tasks. Instead, I started to work out. I was ok with this because it's good to be healthy. Then life kicked in a little harder, and I stopped working out, and I stopped the cleaning schedule. So it was back to cleaning all weekend, and I'm feeling like a lazy bum. There was always something after work. There was always a task that needed to be completed, and then there were days that I just wanted to come home and sit. I became so apathetic. Then, Whole30 came into our lives. LIFE CHANGING. I could talk for hours, and anyone who knows me, is rolling their eyes and nodding their heads and wishing they could take back the moments of their lives I rambled about Whole30. Again, I was able to fill incredibly accomplished. the dry erase calendar was filled with meals and planning because well try not planning and successfully completing Whole30- not going to happen. I literally planned, grocery shopped, prepped, cooked, and cleaned the kitchen constantly. This was totally ok though because on Whole30- forget having a social life. Compliant food doesn't exist outside your home. Ok, I'm lying. I just don't like most of the things restaurants serve, and I was way over burger patties. Then April came. Y'ALL. April. Just April. My Erin Condren calendar (EC) (which is another thing I get a great deal of satisfaction out of having everything written, organized, and planned) was filled to the brim. From school meetings, activities and events, to birthdays and anniversaries, to out of town visits, to you name it, it was on the calendar. And while the EC was full, the dry erase meal plan was empty. Failure again. I was sinking in every area of life, and I felt like I was stinking at every area of life.
Now, there is nothing wrong with meal planning, organizing, and planning in general. I think that is a completely wise thing to do, but Jesus had to pull the reigns on this ol' girl. I found myself being quite the Mopey Molly. This is most unfortunate because I have plenty to be thankful for (we'll touch on this momentarily) and because I am a verbal processor. What is that you ask? That means I must express the thoughts in my brain. This typically results in word vomit. What I mean by this is I was being a bit whiney. This can result in people feeling like they're a burden in my life. That never has been/ will be my intention in sharing the long list of emotions running through my brain, but it happens. As I'm in a whiney (perhaps a bit cranky) state, Yellow Car Boy gently reminded me that I had so many awesome things going on with so many awesome people, and that was just an awesome thing. His reminder was 100% true, but I was cranky, and I didn't want to let it sink in. I was Mopey Molly, and therefore, I became crankier. Rude. Turns out, that Yellow Car Boy was right. He also reminded me that no one was putting that pressure on me except myself. I am so terrible at giving myself, and others, ridiculous expectations. And it is unfair to all involved. Praise Jesus, He has done a work on me with doing that to others, and He is constantly working on me about doing it to myself. During all of these feelings of defeat, I lost my identity in Him. This realization took a conversation with my precious bestie. I was so caught up in making everything just right that I totally took my eyes off Jesus and let all of these wonderful things turn into something bad. I wasn't looking at the opportunities to serve, be a blessing to others, show the love of Jesus, or to be His hands and feet. He reminded me that service isn't always organized. It isn't always in the four walls of a church. It isn't always with people you go to church with (these are all important things too, of course). Serving Jesus can be as simple as helping a stranger take his/her groceries to the car. Service can be asking someone how his/her day is and actually listening. Service can be praying with your waitress. Service can be smiling at someone walking down the street. Service can be anywhere, anytime, with anyone. Please note I am not tooting my own horn here- I am making a point. I really think God gave me an ability to organize and plan for His glory. It's a wonderful thing. It comes in handy a lot! It's great for planning life for my husband and myself and helping others. Those feelings of failure sink in when my disease to please, inability to say no, and ridiculous self self expectations kick in. I take my eyes off Jesus and put them on the things I want to accomplish, and I forget my purpose- Him. And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Colossians 3:23 So I'm working on understanding that it's ok if I leave the house with an unmade bed every once in a while. It's ok if I don't sweep the floors (causing us to be late) as we head out the door. It's ok if the meal calendar is empty for a week. It's ok to have a lot going on. It's ok to say no. It's ok to lean on Jesus. I cannot do it all on my own. Being a wife has been one of my very greatest joys. I absolutely love it. I love serving my husband. I love keeping a clean house. I love cooking. I also love that he does the dishes (y'all he's amazing). Being a teacher is like my favorite thing. I wake up, and I'm excited to go to work. Every day twenty plus young people enter my classroom, and I get to show them the love of Jesus. It's the best. They also have the best jokes. It makes for a super fun day. Being a daughter, sister, friend, etc. is amazing. I have so many outstanding people in my that I get to spend life with! All of those things are wonderful. However, as soon as I look to what I can and cannot do, I've missed the mark. It's not about me. It's not about them. It's not about a calendar. It's about furthering the Kingdom of God. Now let's all pray for the day I become a momma (#Jeusstakethewheel) because I let those emotions of failure sink in about a calendar, I can only imagine the day our children talk back or toot in public. I'm learning to sit as His feet (this is an ongoing process) and not be distracted by that going, going, going, and doing, doing, doing. Possibly, at this moment in time at least, I'm learning to remember that the chaos and business is a blessing and that it doesn't have to be chaotic. I can say no, and if I don't or am not called to say no, God has me there or doing that task for a reason, and for that I should be glad! |
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