For a little over three years I experienced nonstop, unexplained pain in my body. I went to doctor after doctor, and each one told me I was fine.
I knew something was wrong, but no one would listen. It was frustrating, defeating, and sometimes I would get down right mad. When people say "Black Lives Matter", and you respond with "All Lives Matter", I cannot say I disagree with either of those statements, but I do disagree with that response. People are hurting. They're frustrated. They're reaching out, and when you say "all lives matter", you've become those doctors that told me I was fine. Stop it, please. Finally, a doctor listened. He agreed. There was no mechanical reason for me to hurt like I was. There was no obvious health factor for me to experience that pain, and he finally sent me to a rheumatologist. From here, they determined I was in the beginning stages (essentially) of Ankylosing Spondylitis. To be heard, was such a relief. To be validated and not made to feel like I was loony, was incredible. Just listening is not the solution, but it's a start. Stop and listen, please. My husband recently broke his collarbone. He was in so much pain. I've never seen him hurt like that. We went to the doctor, and the doctor said don't work for a week and don't use that arm for six weeks, patted him on the back, and sent him on his way. Inside, I was screaming, "Um, excuse me. Do you have any idea how much he's hurting? Surely there is more you can do." People are hurting right now. Recognizing the hurt is not the solution, but it's a start. Stop, listen, reflect, please. Wives, how many of you have problem solver husbands? Have ever had a stinky situation, you presented it to your husband, he gave you a solution, and you walked away mad? You didn't want a solution. You wanted compassion. You wanted understanding. Showing compassion is not the solution, but it's a start. Stop, listen, reflect, and show compassion, please. Yes, all lives matter. Cops lives matter. Babies' lives matter. Hispanic lives matter. Asian lives matter. Indian lives matter. The list goes on. They certainly all matter because God created Adam, and we are born of an Adamic nature. God created ALL of us, and we ALL matter to Him, therefore, Christian brother and sister, all of those lives should matter to us (Genesis 1:25-27, Romans 5:12). Not once does God deal lightly with murder in the Bible. I'll also add God never intended the earth to be this way. He created a perfect earth with no death- thorns didn't even exist, but sin entered in, and sin causes division. Read that again. Sin causes division. Because God cares about all lives, Christian brother and sister, we should care about all lives. But, before you respond with all lives matter, please consider what you are saying to a person who might be hurting and trying to present their hurt or passion. Don't be the doctor that says you're fine, minimizing that person. Racism is WRONG. I think it is absolutely absurd to dislike someone because of a physical trait. I cannot, cannot, cannot wrap my brain around it. Human beings of all races are human beings with hearts beating in their chests and blood running their bodies. Every human being is someone's family member, friend, etc. To determine you dislike them, to treat them differently, or to assume anything about anyone based on their skin color is outrageous. Black lives matter. Can we just reflect on God's goodness. Y'all, He knew our every flaw. He knew the sin we would commit. He knows our ugly hearts, and yet He SENT HIS SON TO DIE FOR OUR SINS. And here we are divided over physical appearances. Something has to change. I do not know the solution, but I know Who does. Lord, I pray we turn to You. I pray that many are brought together through You. Lord, help us all to have ears and hearts to hear. Lord, may we seek You for discernment in our actions and words. Lord, I pray for special comfort over all that hurt tonight. God, I know there are mommas, spouses, children, friends, and other loved ones weeping over the loss of people they care about deeply. People are scared to go for a jog. People are scared to go and do the job they were called to do. God, please forgive us of our sins. Forgive us Lord for not loving YOU with all our hearts, all our souls, and all our minds. Forgive us for not loving our neighbors as ourselves. God, these concepts can be easily overlooked in the day to day, but we see the destruction that occurs when we don't. Help us to be aware of our how we can love You with all our hearts, souls, and mind and our neighbors as ourselves. I pray we turn to Your Word. I pray we read it, learn it, apply it, and hide it in our hearts that we might not sin against You. I pray we would seek to serve others and prefer others above ourselves. I pray that we would recognize Satan as the true enemy, and Lord I pray we will not give in to the division he desires, but I pray we seek You and rest in Your presence. Lord, we may recognize our own sin, stop pointing fingers, and seek to live a life that pleases You. I thank You that You saw my sin, and You loved me anyway. I thank You Lord that You offer that to all! I thank You that salvation is so simple. All we have to do is recognize our sin, repent, and turn to You. God, I thank You that You're waiting with open arms. Lord, thank you so much that You don't look at our outer appearance. Thank You that You loved us beyond our inner appearance. Thank You that You loved us so much You sent Your Son and the Holy Spirit that our inner appearance would be more beautiful because of You. God it is nothing we can do. It's only You. Lord, I know You are the answer to the hurt many are experiencing, and I pray that those who know You would be Your hands and feet during this time. God, I love You, and I thank You for loving me. In Jesus Name, Amen. I hope this post in NO way adds to tension, minimizes, hurts, or anything negative. I promise my heart is to help, but words are a funny thing and can be perceived so many ways. Might I add, words are just words. What's that old phrase? Your actions do the loudest talking. 36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law? 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. 40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets. Matthew 22
0 Comments
Can I just be totally transparent?
There have been moments of fear throughout this crisis. I feared when borders began to close, as at first we were told wash your hands, and you'll be fine, but I couldn't wrap my hand around the simplicity of washing my hands and yet borders were closing. I feared when we found out my husband's job was furloughed (God has been SO, SO faithful, and I cannot sing His praises enough about that). I feared when people I knew were being tested for COVID-19 (praise God again- the tests were negative). I read an article about food supplies being affected. I feared again. I can become so consumed in the what ifs of this life, and it's a scary place to be on a regular day, but in a crisis- wow- whole new level. And while things are changing constantly, and things seem so unsure, there is one thing I can find solace and rest in- my relationship with Christ. God is never changing. He knows the end of the story. And while we may not understand, and maybe we keep asking why, I'm reminded of Isaiah 55:8-9. 8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. I don't get it. I don't have the answers, but I'm also not God, and it's a really good thing that I'm not. I'm reactive. I hold grudges. I HATE making decisions. I get angry. I'm conditional. I am flawed, and I am filled with sin, but God, God is not. God is holy. He is righteous. He is unconditional. He is just. He knows how it all ends, so His decision making skills are superb. I heard the sweetest testimony this week of a family who learned of their first pregnancy about five years ago. The wife was healthy and had a great pregnancy. She went into labor, and everything was fine. During labor, the baby's heartbeat dropped from 150 to 50 instantly. Their child was born with many complications. He had no gag reflex. He didn't respond to touch. They would stick his heel to draw blood, and he never responded. He never cried. There was a possibility of a tracheal tube. I marveled as they took this very hard situation and gave it to God. Their attitude was just convicting and inspirational. The husband shared how they prayed for their baby to cry, and one day he did. They prayed for him to be able to eat, and he did. And while their child wasn't "healed", God began moving mountains, and this sweet couple rested in God. The wife said she knew if they could put on God's eyes they wouldn't change a thing about this situation because who knows how He is using it. This world is scary, and I am so excited for the day Jesus returns and takes me home. And at the same time, I know so many people who don't have a personal relationship with Christ, and my heart breaks for their eternity. My heart breaks for them to walk this earth without Jesus because I can't get through a day without Him. I've been studying a children's Bible lesson about remembering what God has taught us and learning from what God has taught others and remembering that too. We will never "understand" God, and we're not supposed to (if we did, He wouldn't be God), but it's truly hard to know His character in times like these if we don't know Him personally, and/or we aren't in His Word. God's Word tells us He will never leave us nor forsake us. (Romans 8:28, Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5, Deuteronomy 31:6) God's Word lays out guard rails He knows are best for us. (Exodus 20, Matthew 22:34-40, James 4:17) God's Word tells us about the love of Jesus. (John 3:16, 1 John 4:7-8, 2 Chronicles 6:14, Romans 8:31-32, Psalm 36:7) God's Word tells us about sin and how God hates it. (Proverbs 6:16-19, Proverbs 17:15, 1 Corinthians 6:9-11, Galatians 5:19-21) God's Word tells us we don't have to do this alone. (1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 55:22, 2 Timothy 1:7, Hebrews 4:16 I listened to the testimony of the couple and how they've walked through the unwellness of their child, and I marveled. I heard something sort of profound in a podcast today. It's ok to stay in the know about what's going on. It would be unwise if we didn't. It's ok to have chaos around you and yet still find peace resting in His arms. If I'm being honest, I've had far from marvel worthy faith. There's a pit in my stomach because of all the what ifs. But I know I have a choice to make. I can either allow the what ifs to drive me to fear, or I can allow them to drive me to Jesus. God never promised we wouldn't have trials or that this life would be just peachy. Look at Job. Look at Paul. Look at the apostles. They had great faith and literally committed their lives to the cause of Christ, and wow did they experience some hardships. Look at Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah. Daniel was thrown into a lion's den, and Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah into a burning pit. They faced great trials, but they faced them with Jesus and so faithfully. All of this stuff going on in the world is just a lot. It's hard. It's heavy. It's scary. The good news, we don't have to do it alone. Around age 21, a dear friend told me how excited she was to go to Heaven. It was the craziest thing I had ever heard because I knew going to Heaven meant you had to die. God began dealing with me, and I realized I was a sinner in need of the Savior. I'm so grateful she said that that day, and I'm so grateful for all of the people who shared God's truths with me along the way. If you don't know Jesus, I want nothing more than to tell you about Him. First, I am praying for those in charge in various capacities of leadership right now. Decision-making is hard. Someone will always be unhappy, so let us be gracious to them- all of them- pastors, government officials, school officials, bosses, parents, and anyone I left out.
After I received a text, I jumped on with the rest of the Social Media world to see what the governor had to say. My heart sank. I've read the posts and even shared the ones about not getting to say goodbye to my students, but I sure thought it was all temporary. Dear, students, We had so much learning left to do and so many more memories to make. We had morning meetings left with hearing about your weekends, sharing the best jokes, and hearing about things for which you're thankful. We had moments of you teaching me something about technology. We had moments where I sat back and observed the love you showed to one another because of what your parents have instilled in you. We had moments left where plans got pushed to the side because wonderful learning was happening or because I had a teachable moment that revolved around my cat, Windsor (so how could we possibly skip that?). We had room transformations left to do, songs left to sing, and birthdays left to celebrate. We still needed to Facetime Grandma and talk more about Italian Cream Cake. My heart hurts so much to think about how we won't get to do end-of-the-year activities together, recount the best times, and actually say goodbye. I hope you know that every single day, I get up and go to work excited about seeing you. You're the best part of this teaching gig. There were Hall of Fame honors left to be earned, plants that still needed you to water them, and a teacher who considers seeing you the highlight of her day. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that in the days ahead you will have great learning, although it is going to look different. I know you'll continue to work hard and give your best. I know you'll take every opportunity to show love, humility, kindness, and patience during this time. I am so sad for this news, but I also know there's a reason for it. Know that I miss you more than you can imagine, and I'm grateful for technology and snail mail, So much love, Mrs. Mooty Eternity is a long time.
It's a difficult concept for our finite minds. It's also difficult to keep an eternal mindset as we live each day in the flesh, but having an eternal mindset sure can change one's perspective for the better. I love the sweet moments where God teaches you something, and then allows you to use that thing He has taught you but in a different way.
College was a wonderful season of life for me. That is the season in which my relationship with Christ began, I learned unconditional love was a real thing, forgiveness is vital, bitterness is poison, and how to play the guitar. One of the first songs I learned to play was a song by Ginny Owens titled "If You Want Me To". At that time, During that season, when I sang it, I praised God looking back on trials and how only through His power was I able to overcome trials of childhood. Now, when I sing that song, I feel like I'm living it. But I am so grateful to serve a God that I can continue singing His praises knowing that while it's hard, He is still sovereign, and this victory might look different, and it might not come until eternity, He is still good. "The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear And I don't know the reason why You brought me here But just because You love me the way that You do I'm gonna walk through the fire if You want me to" "Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step But I'm clinging to the promise that You're not through with me yet So if all of the trials bring me closer to You I will go through the valley if You want me to" "It may not be the way I would've chosen When You lead me through a world that's not my home But You never said it would be easy You only said I'd never go alone" "When the whole world turns against me, and I'm all by myself And I cannot hear You answer my cries for help I'll remember the suffering Your love put you through And I will go through the valley if You want me to" "When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna scream, I'm gonna shout I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see You never let me down So take me on that pathway that leads me Home to You And I will go through the valley if You want me to." https://www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/ginny_owens/if_you_want_me_to_live_version-lyrics-156957.html If I've said it once, I'll say it a million times, I am so grateful to walk this earth with my Savior. I cannot imagine a day without Him because this earth is hard. Pain and suffering are hard. Sickness is hard. This earth is hard. Knowing this world is not my home, and looking forward to an eternity worshiping Him is an incredibly exciting, hope filled thing. Maybe your hardship is chronic illness. Maybe it's the loss of a loved one. Maybe it's a myriad of other things. Whatever it is, I know a Savior Who would love to hold You in His loving arms and walk it with You. He too suffered while walking this earth. But there is hope. There is rejoicing. And this can be found in Jesus Christ. Hebrews 2:9-14 9 But we see Jesus, who was made a little lower than the angels for the suffering of death, crowned with glory and honour; that he by the grace of God should taste death for every man. 10 For it became him, for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons unto glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings. 11 For both he that sanctifieth and they who are sanctified are all of one: for which cause he is not ashamed to call them brethren, 12 Saying, I will declare thy name unto my brethren, in the midst of the church will I sing praise unto thee. 13 And again, I will put my trust in him. And again, Behold I and the children which God hath given me. 14 Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil; 1 Peter 2:19-24 19 For this is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief, suffering wrongfully. 20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. 21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: 22 Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: 23 Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: 24 Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. I've been walking the valley of a chronic illness for a few years now, and I can't say it's been rainbows and butterflies. There have been dark, scary places, but those dark scary places disappear in the presence of the light of Jesus. I will praise Him for the progress He has helped me to make. He has opened many doors to knowledge, relationships, resources, and wellness. Through this, I've been overwhelmed by the people who have lifted me in up in the Name of Jesus. If that's you, thank you. I've learned a lot about the importance of diet and exercise. He has shown me so much in the area of suffering and how suffering is an individual thing, but it's powerful to have the brethren rejoice and weep with you. I am grateful for the periods of time with no pain- like I want to scream His praises from the rooftop, but I'm working on the realization that singing His praises from the rooftop should also come during times of suffering. I know this. He is faithful. His ways are higher than mine, and while I don't always understand, I know He knows best. If you know someone with chronic illness, please share my story. Connect me with them. Let me know how I can pray for them. I know. It's so cliche, but tonight I'm consumed with how good He is.
I know for many, claiming His goodness is hard. Many have faced things I never have, and even if I have, I cannot say I understand because human beings are individuals in every sense of the word. But again, I am just consumed with His goodness. I love His character. He is unwavering and sovereign, and I am so grateful. What I can't get over right now is that even when things are bad, He is still indeed good. In my flesh, that is such a hard concept, but the more I learn about Him, the more I recognize this in Him. Isaiah 55:8-9 reveal that His ways are higher than ours, and you know what? I AM SO GLAD. If I was in charge, I would be a hot mess and zapping people when they didn't follow my desires. How amazing it is to have a relationship with a God Whose ultimate goal is always to restore the relationship. Sometimes that doesn't look the way we imagined it would. And thank God. In His sovereignty, He knows the whole picture, and while on this side of eternity, it might not make sense, I know in Heaven I will praise Him for it, so why not praise Him now? In Joshua 6, God tells the people to walk around the city once for six days and then on the seventh day to walk around the city seven times while blowing their trumpets. In my human mind, that makes no sense, God gave them the victory. God used Rahab the Harlot in the bloodline of Jesus. That doesn't make sense to human minds, but God brought the most beautiful thing. We don't know who is watching, or how God can use our circumstances to be a witness to others, but you know Who does? Him. Gratitude, joy, obedience, and trust go such a long way in the Kingdom of God. Lord, On the days I doubt your goodness and get caught up in my flesh, may I be consumed with Who you are. May I be filled with gratitude that of all your creation You chose us to have a relationship with. When I struggle to let go of control, remind me how very glad I should be that I'm not in control, because I would surely make a mess of things. God, I praise You so much for this beautiful life You've given me. Thank You for meeting my basic needs abundantly, the relationships You've given me to enjoy on this earth, health, a job I love, an opportunity to praise and proclaim Your Name, a country where I can freely worship, and so, so much more. Forgive me for doubting Your goodness and getting lost in myself. I'm so grateful to call You Father. In Jesus Name, Amen. Ankylosing Spondylitis, two words I had never heard, and only recently learned how to pronounce, but seem to be making life quite different.
What is AS? Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS) is an auto immune disease. The short version is it causes inflammation in your body. It mainly affects the spine and sacro-iliac (SI) joints, but can affect other parts of your body. Depending on where you read, it is more common in males. People usually get diagnosed somewhere between ages 17 and 45. Sleeping and being still make it worse, and usually with movement, the symptoms ease. Ultimately your spine can fuse together as your body destroys the cushion and bone grows in its place. Yes, ouch. It can make breathing difficult. Symptoms often present themselves atypically in women usually starting in the neck. Feel free to research more if you're interested in it. https://www.uptodate.com/contents/axial-spondyloarthritis-including-ankylosing-spondylitis-beyond-the-basics?topicRef=2018&source=see_link https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/ankylosing-spondylitis/symptoms-causes/syc-20354808 My AS Story A little over two years ago, I started experiencing a lot of stiffness in my neck, shoulders, and upper back. This had been something I had dealt with before. I would sit at my desk and grade papers or lesson plan, and the pain would begin, but it usually went away. At this point it wasn't going away. I specifically remember my husband coming home one day, and I looked at him and said, "I can't move." During this time period, I had a gift certificate for massage, so I figured this was the perfect time to use it. The therapist was astounded at the knots in my body. The massage provided some relief, so I went back a second time. This therapist expressed concern with inflammation in my body and recommended going to a doctor. Not knowing then what I know now, I went to a chiropractor. This helped temporarily, but I quickly took a turn for the worse. My chief complaint throughout this time was that sleep was impossible. It hurt so much to sleep. My husband and I had a Spring Break trip planned. I was quite miserable throughout and knew it was time to seek medical attention. At this point, I was experiencing numbness in my arms, total stiffness in my neck and shoulders, it hurt be stationary for long periods of time, and sleep was impossible. The orthopedic doctor expressed great concern with all of this happening at my age and sent for an MRI and blood work. The MRI was totally normal. The blood work was fine, other than I had a slightly elevated ANA. This was the first time I was told I was fine, but thankfully, he still had concerns and recommended going to my primary care physician to go over the blood work. I went to my PCP. When I walked in, he more or less asked why I was there. He said he had no concern with my ANA that I might come back in twenty years and have something rheumatological, but in the meantime I should try to get a new mattress. I went back to the orthopedic doctor. I said surely we missed something. There just has to be something broken, torn, out of place, or just something. He did another X-ray and MRI on a different part of my back. When we met for results, he apologized and said he couldn't find anything. And very thankfully, at that point, he said if your PCP won't send you to a rheumatologist, I am. The rheumatologist office called me six months later to set up an appointment, and I couldn't get an appointment for almost six more months. In that time of waiting, the pain became exponentially worse. I went back to my PCP and met with a different doctor in their practice. He said he didn't want to call it Fybromyalgia, but he wanted to treat it like it was. They prescribed a medicine I wasn't comfortable with, and I wasn't comfortable with the diagnosis to be honest. I knew my body was in a great deal of pain, but I just didn't think it was Fybromyalgia. At this point, I started to feel a little batty. Maybe I was making it up. Maybe I truly was fine, and this is just what getting older felt like. I didn't want something to be wrong, but I so desperately wanted answers and relief. I finally made it to the rheumatologist. I walked in and explained my symptoms. She said it might be Ankylosing Spondylitis, but she didn't think so. My husband and I left, and I had no idea what disease she had mentioned. She redrew my blood, and again everything was within normal ranges. A week or so later she messaged me on the message portal and explained I have the HLA-B27 gene which is linked with AS. I was ELATED. Finally, finally, I had an answer! I wasn't nuts. My back really did hurt, and soon I would be able to sleep. Unfortunately, she didn't give me any information than that, she prescribed a medication and told me to take it two months and if things didn't improve, we would move to Biologics. I began researching (if you can truly call the Internet research). The joy of the answer soon faded. These words that I didn't know how to pronounce and the medicines used to treat them were scary. When I found out how scary, I requested an appointment. That appointment ended quickly, and I left discouraged. I teach third grade. These medicines to her are like a reading test to me. She gives them all the time. It's what she does. To me though, this was my body. Having my liver tested and blood drawn because of the medicine I was on was scary. Finding out the potential dangers of pregnancy (no one mentioned) while on these medications. Terrifying. Learning that there really isn't a lot of research and even doctors aren't entirely sure how they work. Bewildering. They lower your immunity and people contract all kinds of diseases. Horrifying. I immediately started looking into natural options. Everyone has an opinion. Basically I could switch to a plant based diet to maintain symptoms, but from what I read, eventually your spine fuses together, and the pain you feel from the inflammation is nothing compared to that pain. I've talked with people who have lived through it. Some of them were diagnosed before there were many treatment options, and they all gave the resounding answer of if there is a treatment, do it. I've listened to podcasts of people who changed their whole life style through exercise and diet. I've read story after story where people had to give up their careers and more or less lives. I started taking the medicine the rheumo prescribed. It gave me incredible headaches, and honestly I was feeling worse. Along with end of the school year stress (I teach third grade) and all of the findings of this disease and the medicines, I sent my body into what they call a flare. I have experienced pain for years, but never have I ever experienced pain like this. I haven't slept well in years, but during this time I literally didn't sleep. There was no comfortable position. If your still, the pain is worse, but it hurts too much to move. Stress and not sleeping (all because of cortisol) amplify the pain. There were morning when I woke up and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to move. My legs wouldn't work. I would wake up in the early hours of the day and walk laps in our house. We brought in our front porch rocking chair to see if I could sleep in it. I couldn't wash my hair because it hurt. After many nights of no sleep I became so exhausted, I felt like I wasn't functioning. Crying, I crawled in bed with my husband and asked him to just hold me, I felt like I was floating, and I told God if He wanted to go ahead and take me home, that was fine. I've never in my life, ever, experienced pain to that degree nonstop with no relief. It was life changing. Gratitude Life is very different after those weeks. Each morning when I wake up, no matter the time, I take a second and thank God for sleep. Any moment I go without pain, I thank God for that moment. I'm learning to slow down. I'm very task oriented and very relationship minded (which is how this post came to be). I'm a chronic worrier. It's a flaw, and Jesus and I talk about it a lot. Worry is not good for anyone, but for someone with AS, it's horrible. The release of cortisol is detrimental. People would ask if I was ok, or say I didn't seem like myself. I wanted to explain that they were right, I wasn't myself. It was very hard to be cheery, or well even upright (or lying down for that matter- everything hurt), during that time. It was hard to make decisions. The brain fog was real. I once went to the refrigerator and ended up at the garbage can. Pain can be debilitating. On the inside I felt horribly that I wasn't myself. I felt bad that I wasn't on top of my game. The guilt of not being present in a thoughtful way was killing me on the inside, but I was just surviving. I couldn't push myself to do any more fun activities as we ended the school year, and I wanted so much to make the best memories as we finished, but I couldn't. I wanted to get ahead and start looking at plans for next year, but my mind wasn't there. I wanted to clean my house floor to ceiling, but I was doing good to brush my hair. I am so thankful for any moment that I can be fully emotionally, mentally, and physically present. I am so thankful for my husband who literally carried me through that time. I am so thankful for the people who surrounded me, checked in, lifted me in prayer, and did everything in their power to help. I'm thankful for the days washing my hair isn't hard. I'm thankful for the days I can clean. I'm thankful that the flare didn't happen until near the end of the school year. I'm also thankful for those who gave me reminders about listening to my body. I'm just grateful. Last Week to Today Today has been a good day, praise God. I've started yoga. I'm changing my diet (no gluten, dairy, and minimal processed sugar). I slept for eight hours last night. I've implemented a bed time routine. My so precious husband has been so patient, encouraging, and helpful through it all. Last week, I was ready to throw in the towel, and he let me soak in that pity party all the while praying for and encouraging me along the way. Last week I grieved the loss of my life, and God reminded me that He gave His for mine, and He has a grander plan. His ways are higher than mine, and when I became His child, I surrendered my life to Him, although I often try to take it into my hands- which never ends well. Last week I grieved the thought of not having children. Meds are scary, and so is the pain. I grieved giving up the foods I love. I grieved not being able to sit in a car for long periods of time/travel. Then I became fearful. I was so fearful of the pain. I was scared to eat because what if I ate something that set it off. I was scared to sleep because it hurts to sleep. I was scared to exist because what if something stressful happens, and I hurt again. I was scared to take or to not take the medicine. What if the side effects hurt me? What if my spine fuses together? God reigned me in again and reminded me that fear and confusion are not from Him, but they are straight from the enemy. Why Did I Write This? I really do worry (I'm working on it) about not being myself, being present, being thoughtful, etc. I don't ever want to come off rude or uncaring. So if you're someone who is a part of my life, search for the Spoon Theory. I'll try to be honest about how many spoons I have left. And in moments where I'm "not myself", know that I still love you deeply. God has given me some nuggets through His Word lately, and one came to me today. One of my very favorite verses is Psalm 16:11 "Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in Thy presence is fullness of joy; at Thy right hand there are pleasures evermore. I was scrolling through Instagram, and Lisa Robertson with Proverbs 31 Ministries made a post about this verse. Her three points were 1) "God has a path for my life," 2) "When I'm in His presence, fullness of joy is His gift- not necessarily happiness, but joy knowing God is always there." 3) "His pleasures are forever; He welcomes us to be close to Him within reach not just for a day but forever." This life isn't always easy. Pain whether it be emotional or physical happen because of the existence of sin on earth. God created a perfect world, but sin entered in, and when it did, His perfect world changed. And although it changed, He still made a way for each of us to have a relationship with Him. As far as I know, I've only had that one flare, and it was just torturous, and I don't say that dramatically. I mean it. It was horrendous. God gave me so many wonderful people to rely on during that time, but there is no possible way I could have withstood it, had it not been for Him. There's no way. If you're reading this, and you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, I would love to share about His love and His big, strong arms that carried me through many trying times in my life. Even if you're not living with AS, it might be a broken marriage, the loss of a loved one, cancer, a migraine, you name it, I would love to pray for you. If you suffer from AS, I would love to hear your story. Most people I've been in contact with or stories I've heard and listened to, are similar to mine. Many people get told they're fine for years before finding an answer. I'm not promoting getting diagnoses for people who aren't ill, please don't hear that, but for years I hurt and was so desperate for relief. And I do praise God that I found out before my spine fused. Some people don't know until then, and it's too late. From what I've read, AS is actually pretty common, but so few people know about it. If that's God's will for me is to bring awareness to it, and through that bring people to Him, I am so willing. Feel free to share this to bring awareness to Ankylosing Spondylitis, and if you know someone who is living with it, I encourage you to encourage them. |
Author
Saved by God's amazing grace and living this divinely put together puzzle of a beautiful life He so graciously blessed. Archives
March 2020
Categories
|