Life changer. That's quite a prestigious title, don't you think? It's what I aspired to be as a child. Don't ask me how I planned to do that, I just knew I wanted to change lives- for the good preferably. Unfortunately, I found myself enjoying sour cream and onion potato chips and not doing a whole lot with life. I'm pretty sure I wasted a lot of time. Not that I'm calling writing this wasting time, but I have a stack of papers that currently need to be graded, and here I am typing and not grading. Maybe it's a lack of prioritizing? Maybe that can be a post for a later date.
Anywho, life changer, it's a pretty awesome title. Two of the biggest ones in my life are Ruth 2:10 and Proverbs 31:12. It's funny that Ruth 2:10 came first, but Proverbs 31:12 sank in first. Explanation needed. So my whole life I felt like I had to have a relationship to be completed. I dated, flirted, and tried really hard to make life happy with a boyfriend. Guess what? Failed. I mean of course there was the obvious temporary happiness within there, but there was also great heartache. Once upon a time, a very influential person in my life mentioned Biblical courtship to me. Without saying it out loud, I told him he was crazy. One of the aspects was waiting to kiss until you got married. WHAT? No kissing- that's just ridiculous. What's next betrothal? And then one day that whole Biblical courtship craziness started to sink in. (Please let me interrupt myself to add that people have different definitions of courtship. I'm not here to define it for you because some people would argue that my definition is incorrect. That's between you and the Good Lord! Who knows better than Him?) I had been in two super serious relationships. Both of which I was left with a lot of heartache. Before those two serious ones, I had less serious ones in high school, and guess what they left me with? Heartache. So the day this whole crazy courtship thing sank in, I realized God does not desire that I hurt. What was I doing? I was putting myself through a whole lot of unnecessary pain. If you're a girl, and you've dated, you KNOW the heartache that comes with that rollercoaster of emotions. You're on this love high and then you come crashing down. There are all of these insecurities of does he like me, does he not, does he, does he not? Don't act like you didn't pull of petals. Ok, I'm kidding. Ok maybe I did, but I was for sure in elementary school. (Let's not talk about the time I sent a secret admirer note, and I bought the boy orange Tic Tacs every day. Go ahead and label me creeper.) Back on topic now. So this crazy courtship thing. God started making it more real through reading His Word, friends, and a book called When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy. Let me explain how I divinely fell upon this book. I was Facebook stalking (maybe you're more spiritual than me, but yes I'm guilty), and someone had a Leslie Ludy quote, and I ooed and ahed over it. That led to a Google search and EUREKA there's the book. My precious step mother is a book guru, so I ask her to order it. She does, along with a few others, and she ships them my way. Now, I'm not a reader, but this book had me. It was SO real life. I won't go into too much detail, but do know I highly recommend it. Ok, so I read the book, and in there Leslie mentions Proverbs 31:12. It says "She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." ALL the days of her life. Leslie points out that's before, during, and after you meet him. Ok, so the during and after is a duh, but before! Before? How? What? Let me reread that verse. ALL the days of her life. ALL. So before? Yes before. The Lord started doing a work in my heart. In the midst of that work, I was introduced to a boy who drove a yellow car (we'll get back to that). While he could've been a distraction, God kept me on track. I studied His Word and nailed some expectations for relationships down. I shared expectations with yellow car boy thinking it would run him off, and I may be single my whole life, and that was ok with me at that point, because I wasn't sure I had grasped this whole courtship thing anyway. So I share expectations (no kissing until married, chaperoned time together unless in public, and oh if we date you have to marry me- that one will run him off for sure). Yellow car boy nods his head and says "Well yeah... I don't know about that kissing stuff, but the rest seems logical." No! You ruined my plan to be obedient AND get rid of you in one swift swoop. You're ok with this? I was shocked. Well, I broke the news I wasn't relationship ready, but I liked being friends. One thing lead to another and yellow car boy "asked me out" and eventually he proposed. Oh, and we got married. I cannot express the blessing that came from our relationship before being married. AH! I forgot Ruth 2:10. So I wanted confirmation from the Lord for whoever I would marry. It just so happens that on October 5, the day I met yellow car boy (we were so not interested in each other, but again, that may be another post) I read Ruth 2:10, marked it, and put a date beside it (dates mean important things in my Bible). I didn't know what God was going to do with that verse that day, but He took me back to it, and through it gave me confirmation that yellow car boy would be my husband to have and to hold for all of our days on this earth. So, we did the crazy courtship thing. My best friend spent a lot of time with us, if we hung out at home, and we (gasp) didn't kiss (1 Cor 1:7). We had a relationship based on getting to know each other. There wasn't a physical aspect. And let me tell you just how sweet it made that first kiss but even more than that how sweet it made our relationship. Like I mentioned earlier, we were so not interested in each other. According to him, I closed my eyes a lot when I spoke, and he didn't drive a big truck- he drove a yellow car. For whatever reason (that reason is God) we continued hanging out. We absolutely learned to love each other. There was no possibly false butterfly feeling that comes with that fun kissing stuff. We just spent time together. I learned to love every sweet quality about him. I also rested assured he wasn't interested in me based on a purely physical attraction. (Let me add here: If you don't believe in courtship, you're kissing your boyfriend now, you've kissed a boy in the past, etc. I am not passing judgement on you. I firmly believe this is something God has to settle in your heart. He lead me to those Scriptures, and just worked it out. Had I done this because of someone else telling me (remember, I thought it was crazy) it would've ended in vain.) So this crazy courtship thing really isn't so crazy. I landed a mighty spectacular husband out of it (God gave him to me, I didn't lasso him or anything). Take aways: Honor him ALL the days of your life. God really doesn't desire, nor do I think He designed relationships the way we modernly date, for us to hurt or experience the emotions that come with on and off again relationships. My husband is extra spectacular. I'm very thankful for the life changers He gave me. What better place to get them than from His precious Word?
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A mother is often an unnoticed treasure. At least I know mine was.
Let's go back a few years. My childhood was no fairytale. I vividly remember coming home to a busted alarm clock and a broken Vodka bottle one New Year's evening. I vividly remember screaming and bickering. I vividly remember my clothes being thrown in a laundry basket with instructions to get out at age 14. I vividly remember being pushed away when all I wanted was a hug. I vividly remember never being good enough, never being able to please. I vividly remember. Unfortunately, in the midst of all of that and then some, I lost sight of the good. I became angry. I was bitter. I was miserable. I searched in so many ways for that void to be filled. I was surrounded by so many people who loved me, but I allowed them to not be good enough. I kept searching. I searched for it in friendships, relationships, in friends' parents, in being successful in school, and even in sympathy. None of this worked. The only person I wanted to fill that void was the mother I thought I didn't have (thought is the key word). Fast forward a bit to moving out and experiencing life with no strings attached. Fast forward to leaving my small town and seeing life in a whole new perspective. Fast forward to the day I got saved. (In order to do this, we have to rewind again). I didn't grow up in church. I guess we talked about God, because I knew a little about Him. My mom's parents would take it when she would allow them to. Oh how I loved the church van and falling asleep in my grandparents' laps during service. When I got older, friends invited me to church, and I would go. It was more of a social experience. Don't get me wrong, I was surrounded by people who were constantly planting and watering seeds, but I didn't let them grow. At age 12, I was pressured into professing salvation. I had little understanding. I just wanted to sign the cool quilt. When I was able to drive, I started going on my own. Again, seeds were planted and even watered, but I wouldn't let them grow. I was still trying to fill the void my way. Ok, fast forward again. I left the small town filled with everything and everyone I knew. I met some friends, found a church, more seeds were planted and watered, and finally I quit being stubborn and let God take the wheel. In 2011, I excepted Christ as my Savior. He immediately began to do a work on my heart. All of that bitterness and anger had to go. All of that trying to fill a void had to stop. Jesus had forgiven me, and I just had to share that! The void was no more because Christ was what I wanted/needed all along. The first sermon I heard after being saved was all about forgiveness and the poison of bitterness. Who came to mind? None other than my mother. I'm cringing to think of the years I let pass us by with little to no relationship. I hate every minute that I was upset at her. Why? Because now, I don't get that time back, and I can't make up for it. She's gone. I remember the vividly remember the phone call I received November 22, 2015 around 3:00 am. Her husband called to tell me she was gone. I vividly remember screaming. I vividly remember begging God for it to not be true. It couldn't be true! No I needed more time with her! I needed more time. I needed her to be at my wedding. I needed to show her the love of Jesus that He had so graciously given me. I needed my mom. I needed my mom. I vividly remember trying to convince myself it was a dream- it couldn't be real. I vividly remember. When I finally accepted, and let me add that there are many days I don't accept it, that she was gone, I only- ONLY- remembered good things. I vividly remembered every birthday morning that was filled with cake and cards (up until age 15 that is... that was the year birthdays changed). I vividly remembered when my step dad would go on hunting trips, and she would let us pile up in the king sized bed. We would watch I Love Lucy reruns and giggle through the night. I vividly remembered birthday lunches and dinners and how she would save the coasters from the restaurant. I vividly remember the water baby that I begged and begged for, and how she made sure I had it on Christmas morning. I vividly remembered the chores she gave us every Saturday and how that had to help mold me into the person I am today. I vividly remembered every time she picked us up from our grandparents when she would get off work and how my heart skipped a beat to know she was there. I vividly remembered her teaching me to fix my hair with a round brush and how my morning bathroom time went from ten minutes to thirty. I vividly remembered how she would baby talk to all of our animals- it was a bit ridiculous, but now I do the same. I vividly remembered all of the good and none of the bad. When I settled back into reality, I realized there was good, and there was bad. I realized that no one has a cookie cutter family. I realized my mom was really, really amazing, and she had her flaws. I realized that, as a child, and even as an adult, I had no idea what she was going through. I didn't understand her mind, emotions, stress, etc. I wasn't her, and I certainly never attempted to understand. I just got sad, mad, disappointed, or whatever emotion and tried to find a way to deal with it. I put her on an unrealistic pedestal- one she never asked to be on. She was human, and yes she was flawed. In many hard points of life, I've learned that everyone is. What was unfair, is that I dreamed up expectations that were sometimes unfair. So of course, I was often let down. Now, I'm not blaming my mom or taking all of the blame off her. There were certainly some issues of life, but at the end of the day, I honestly believe she did the best she could. Fortunately, the Lord started a big work on my life- forgiveness. He often reminded me of how difficult I am to love and how He gave me forgiveness. That precious gift can't be locked up never to be let out. Towards the end of my mother's life, he helped me to start a relationship with her. He helped me to have patience. He helped me to have the idea to put the phone on speaker and just let her talk because sometimes that was all she needed to do. Unfortunately, I didn't get to cultivate that relationship like I so would've loved to. At this point, she was hardly mentally stable, but oh how I cherish those moments. God gave me the words and opportunities to say, "Mom, I'm not mad at you." I just so badly wanted her to know I loved her. For so long, I was so upset at her. Childhood wasn't a bed of roses, but you know there are so many more people who experience much more devastating things. And with all my heart, I thank God, because He so divinely used so much in my life to get me where I am today. I get to look back now and say God there's just no way that would've happened without You. I often say He had a bubble around me, and He kept His loving hand on me, and He pushed me through life. I will always vividly remember not having my mom. Growing up there was no one who could take her place, and even now there isn't. Some of the most comforting words I heard after Mom passed were these, "You're not just grieving the death of your mother- you're grieving what you never had." I'm not entirely sure why those words were helpful, but they were. From all of this I have learned to forgive and forgive quickly (Eph. 4:26). If God can forgive our sin, we can certainly forgive someone who wrongs us. I've learned I can't read people's minds and assuming gets you in a world of trouble. People are generally terrible communicators and listeners, and it's something we should all work on (Jas 1:19, Prov. 18:4). I've learned life eternal takes on a whole new meaning when you lose a loved one. Being able to rest in knowing someone is in Heaven with the Father has to provide blessed assurance. From all of this I have learned, a mother is a treasure that often goes unnoticed. Every sandwich she made, roast she cooked (or burned), PopTart box she hid, and birthday she made special made me who I am today. God used her. And despite her failures, she was and is this imperative part of my life. I vividly remember holding her hand in the hospital. I vividly remember the overwhelming excitement on the rare occasion she picked us up on carbell. I vividly remember the age I started wanting to wear her clothes. I vividly remember her teaching me how to use a round brush. I vividly remember her skinny little fingers. I vividly remember her infectious smile. I vividly remember the one time I convinced her to let me do a "makeover" on her. I vividly remember the nights she stayed up as I cried with an earache. I vividly remember her excitement over my engagement. I vividly remember that phone call.... I vividly remember the desire for her to see her future grandchildren... I vivdly remember that mothers are a precious treasure. |
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